In Search of Banyan Roots Our Homeland Journey to Vietnam

Last summer, shortly after my daughter Grace’s 7th birthday, we made our first journey back to Vietnam since her adoption at age 4 months.  A little explanation of the title “Banyan Roots” — a couple of weeks prior to our trip we visited Grace’s pediatrician for pre-travel immunizations, and as part of her exam he looked very carefully at the soles of her feet and explained to her that he would check again upon our return to look for the roots that were sure to sprout during the trip.  One of the images I have of Vietnam is of the banyan trees — they are immense and have roots sprouting out above the ground in all directions.  That is what we hoped to nurture on this trip — roots so strong that we would always remain connected to Vietnam.

Quite a few parents asked about the timing of our trip — why now?  I had actually intended to make our first trip back even earlier just because I enjoyed Vietnam so much and couldn’t wait to return, but somehow the years just flew by and there never seemed to be the time.  As it turns out, the timing was wonderful for our family — Grace was old enough to truly remember the trip, but young enough to experience Vietnam with an open mind. 

Before the trip we sought some guidance from Dr. Rebecca Nelson, a clinical child psychologist (herself adopted from Korea) who specializes in working with adoptive families, including preparation for homeland travel.  We met with Dr. Nelson a few times in the months prior to the trip to prepare.  We also visited with her again after the trip to sort out the thoughts and feelings that arose.  Here is a link to some articles by Dr. Nelson discussing preparation for travel and the best time to consider homeland travel.  http://www.lotustours.net/info/travel/prep.shtml

There are a number of groups that organize homeland tours, and I know other families who have enjoyed the tours and the support provided, but we were looking for a less structured travel experience and instead did our own travel planning and took the trip with our close friends who also have a son who was born in Vietnam (as well as a 2 year-old).  Three very pale adults, 2 Vietnamese kiddos and a tot with bright red hair — as you can imagine our group garnered a lot of interest on the streets of Vietnam.  

Our first days in Vietnam were about bringing back memories of our adoption trips for the adults, and creating new memories for both children who were too young to have any memories beyond photos.  Grace soaked in every sight, sound and smell as we visited museums, shopped and explored the streets.  The bustle of Hanoi can be overwhelming, so we stayed with our friends in a 3-bedroom apartment where the kids could have plenty of space to play and enjoy the pool, and the downtime made the trip much easier for the kids. 

The focus of this trip was to explore Vietnam and enjoy the sites and we did a fair amount of traveling within the country, including an overnight trip to Halong Bay, time at a beach resort in Hoi An and touring the historical sites in Hue.  The logistics were easy to manage and the kids were great travelers (even the 2 year old).  We also revisited some of the sites from our adoption trip, including the hotel we stayed at our first days as a family.  Seeing in person the places she’d see so many times in photos finally made them real for Grace, and she enjoyed retracing those steps. 

Everyone we encountered was so kind and beamed with pride after confirming the kids were Vietnamese.  Luckily Grace did not mind the attention, because there were lots of hugs and affection as strangers quickly became friends.  We had talked in advance about how we were likely to attract attention and questions, and we parents watched closely for signs that it was time to retreat for some quiet time in the hotel pool.  After about ten days of touring, we separated from our friends and spent the last few days on our own. 

This trip was intended to be just an introduction to Vietnam and I had not originally planned on visiting Grace’s orphanage, thinking Grace was a bit too young and we would return again in a couple of years for that journey.  While planning the trip, however, Grace was quite insistent that she wanted to see the orphanage and with the benefit of some advice from Dr. Nelson, we had made advance arrangements to visit the orphanage. 

For this part of the trip we had a guide who had grown up in the province where Grace was from, and it was wonderful to spend time with her and learn about her life and the local culture.  The trip to the orphanage took about two hours and after driving through what seemed like endless Hanoi traffic, the scenery started to change to a mountainous landscape covered in lush green.  The limestone mountains jutting out of the rice fields were truly stunning and the area was actually more beautiful than I had remembered (I was not exactly focused on scenery on the first trip).  Grace was a tad bit nervous on the day of the visit, but mostly excited. 

Before long, we came to the orphanage gates.  The orphanage looked much the same as it did in 2001.  We were greeted by the director of the orphanage and spent a fair amount of time chatting with him.  He had prepared in advance by checking Grace’s files and shared some additional information regarding her history, which was so appreciated.  We then walked around the grounds of the center and visited the babies and the room where Grace spent the first months of her life.  The nannies were genuinely excited to see Grace, despite the fact that most were not at the center when she was there.  We held some babies, took lots of photos and had a wonderful time passing out the toys we brought.  After visiting the babies, we spent a bit more time talking with the orphanage director — he seemed very pleased that we came back to visit and asked that we come again. 

The orphanage visit was at the end of our trip, and after all of our sightseeing, exploring and the emotion of the visit, we were ready to return home.  Before we left we sat at a café and talked about our trip and our favorite moments — the top of the list for both of us was the orphanage visit.  We brought back many souvenirs from our trip, but the best things we brought back were the memories.  We kept a blog to share the experience with family and friends and it was a great way to journal the trip.  I would write late at night while Grace slept, with Grace having editorial approval over the drafts in the morning with suggestions to add this, don’t tell that (just as Grace had final approval over this article).  When we returned home we turned the blog and our photos into a book, which we have enjoyed reading in the months since our trip.    

Some parent-to-parent advice for families considering homeland travel — prepare in advance by looking at pictures and videos of the sights you’ll see, and don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance if you’re able; let your child be involved in the planning of the trip and help make decisions before and during the trip about what you do; be prepared to change your plans when you arrive depending on how your child feels in country (I was prepared to cancel the orphanage visit if Grace changed her mind); make sure to leave downtime in your schedule; let your child capture his or her own memories (Grace kept a journal during the trip and also had her own camera and that journal and the photos she took are priceless). 

Most importantly, before the trip you should already be comfortable talking about adoption, birth families, orphanages, poverty and any other issues faced in your child’s homeland.  Before, during and after our trip we had many discussions about these issues, and the feelings associated with them, and while challenging at times it was very positive.  If your child senses any discomfort on your part, it may chill the discussion and these amazing opportunities would be missed.  I certainly didn’t have all the answers, and never will, but being open to the discussion made it possible to talk about them together and come closer to the point where “I don’t know” was enough, at least for now.  It certainly helped having Dr. Nelson’s guidance as well.      

There were a couple of moments on the trip when I could see that Grace was on sensory overload, trying to process so many thoughts and feelings all at once, but she handled it beautifully and we accomplished everything we wanted on the trip — great fun and exposure to the culture, language and people of Vietnam.  Grace has always had great pride in her Vietnamese heritage and this trip strengthened those ties even deeper.  We found those Banyan Roots we were searching for.  Vietnam is no longer a faraway land in her life story that she needs to imagine, but a very real place where we’ve created memories together as a family.  Our little family has left Vietnam twice now, and both times knew for certain we would return again.